March 25, 2003
100 THINGS ABOUT MILDRED


Okay, so I gave you "100 Things About Me" and "100 Things I've Never Done." Now I give you "100 Things About Mildred," my bulldog.


1. Mildred is what is commonly known as a "full-figured gal."

2. Mildred has had a problem, all of her life, with those "pesky 5 pounds."

3. Mildred's problem is, to tell the truth, with those "pesky 10 pounds."

4. Mildred's full and official name is "Mildred Pierce," from the movie of the same name.

5. Mildred says that if you haven't seen the movie, you won't get it. And you're missing a lot.

6. Mildred must be walked three times a day.

7. Mildred's "walks" rarely extend beyond one city block.

8. Mildred is one lazy ass dog.

9. Mildred burps, loudly, after most meals.

10. Mildred will barf if she drinks too much water too quickly.

11. Mildred will barf if she walks too quickly.

12. Mildred likes most vegetables.

13. Mildred particularly enjoys broccoli, cauliflower, green beans, and carrots.

14. Mildred it no longer allowed to eat cauliflower.

15. Mildred dislikes most fruits.

16. Mildred loves bananas, though.

17. Mildred also loves yogurt, either plain or vanilla.

18. Mildred loves soft ice cream, vanilla only, as eating chocolate ice cream could kill her.

19. Mildred loves the taste of coffee.

20. Mildred likes to slurp discarded coffee from the gutters outside of the coffee house up the street that apparently doesn't have even one drain in the entire shop.

21. Mildred's coat is mostly white.

22. Mildred has what's known among bulldoggers as a "top coat."

23. Mildred has the most endearing brown spots on her ears.

24. Mildred also has dozens and dozens of liver spots.

25. Mildred's liver spots cannot be seen to the naked eye unless she is wet.

26. Mildred hates to be bathed.

27. Mildred loves toddlers.

28. Mildred loves children.

29. Mildred loves adolescents.

30. Mildred loves adults.

31. Mildred loves senior citizens.

32. Mildred loves everyone.

33. Mildred does volunteer work with senior citizens and developmentally disabled adults.

34. Mildred rarely barks. In fact, her daddy hasn't heard her bark in at least three years.

35. Mildred is a beggar.

36. Mildred begs for food she actively dislikes.

37. Mildred has been spayed.

38. Mildred likes “the little guys,” i.e., small dogs, like Chihuahuas and Jack Russell Terriers, the latter being among her daddy's least favorite "breeds."

39. Mildred's favorite "guys," though, are always her fellow bulldogs. Always.

40. Mildred doesn’t like it when the boys get too friendly.

41. Mildred will chastise the boys who are too curious "back there."

42. Mildred is still a virgin.

43. Mildred's daddy likes it that way.

44. Mildred has never met a cat.

45. Mildred cannot be shown in dog shows.

46. Mildred cannot be shown in dog shows because she has been spayed.

47. Mildred cannot be shown in dog shows because her dewclaws were removed shortly after her birth.

48. Mildred has a very, very short tail.

49. Mildred sleeps an average of 18 hours a day.

50. Mildred snores.

51. Mildred snores loudly.

52. Mildred's snoring is a comforting sound to her daddy's ears.

53. Mildred sheds.

54. Mildred sheds a lot.

55. Mildred sheds year-round.

56. Mildred and her daddy hate their germ infestation wall-to-wall carpeting.

57. Mildred’s maternal ancestors are all champion show dogs, going back at least four generations.

58. Mildred’s paternal ancestors are, uniformly, not champions, going back at least four generations.

59. Mildred's father was, like, a carney or something.

60. Mildred's mother was, like, a slut or something.

61. Mildred was born with a trick knee.

62. Mildred could have been returned to the breeder for that reason.

63. Mildred was not returned to the breeder.

64. Mildred sometimes limps because of her bum knee, though it's been a while.

65. Mildred takes a glucosamine/condroitin supplement for said trick knee.

66. Mildred takes her daily glucosamine/condroitin supplement along with a measure of peanut butter.

67. Mildred takes said supplement eagerly and happily.

68. Mildred's glucosamine/condroitin/peanut butter supplement is the highlight of her day.

69. Mildred loves the taste of Aveda hand cream. The one that smells like lemons.

70. Mildred loves the taste of Calvin Klein ckOne moisturizer.

71. Mildred loves the taste of all commercially prepared creams and lotions.

72. Mildred once caught, and tried to eat, a pretty-good-sized toad.

73. Mildred sleeps on her daddy's bed.

74. Mildred will kick her daddy at night if she thinks he's taking up too much room on the bed.

75. Mildred requires two pillows to sleep.

76. Mildred enjoys making a "nest" of these two pillows.

77. Mildred even more so enjoys making a "nest" of her two pillows and her daddy's two pillows.

78. Mildred cannot get up on the bed on her own. She requires direct and immediate human assistance in this endeavor.

79. Mildred sometimes purrs like a cat.

80. Mildred sometimes looks like one of those baby seals the Norwegians and Canadians used to kill and maybe still do.

81. Mildred likes to dance a dance her daddy calls the "Bunny Hop."

82. Mildred is sometimes called, by her daddy and other friends, "Bunny."

83. Mildred likes to dance a dance her daddy calls the "Corkscrew Dance."

84. Mildred's "Corkscrew Dance" is best engendered by scratching her just in front of her tail.

85. Mildred's drug of choice is what are known as "Greenies."

86. Mildred's favorite treat, "Greenies," cost about $1.50 each.

87. Mildred's daddy has had it with the "Greenies" addiction.

88. Mildred will settle, in a pinch, for Dentabones.

89. Mildred has recurring ear infections.

90. Mildred's ears require twice-daily cleaning.

91. Mildred's facial folds also require twice-daily cleaning.

92. Mildred tends to have outbreaks of acne on her chin.

93. Mildred lately has been regressing on the issue of "house-training."

94. Mildred is prone to eating her own excrement, thereby somewhat nullifying the house-training regression issue.

95. Mildred's proclivities in this realm are what is known as "Mildred's Secret Shame."

96. Mildred was born on June 14, Flag Day.

97. Mildred is not particularly patriotic, but neither is she anti-American. Frankly, she probably doesn't care much one way or the other.

98. Mildred is one of a litter of six puppies.

99. Mildred is one of three girls and three boys.

100. Mildred was chosen from among her litter-mates for this reason: It was late August, it was hot as hell in northern Virginia, and after showing the dogs for a while the owner asked his son to fetch a bowl of water. At this point, her daddy was torn between two of the puppies, but when the water was placed in front of the girls, the bitch that was then tied with Mildred for her future daddy's affection -- and ownership -- revealed her true colors. She muscled her way toward the bowl, pushing her siblings off to the side, lapping up almost all of the ice water. Mildred sat to the side, allowing her more aggressive sister to have her way. But once the ├╝ber-bitch had her fill, Mildred and the remaining sister moved in, drinking the remnants of the water. When all was said and done, and the bowl was empty but presumably still cold, Mildred laid her head in the bowl, taking advantage of some slight relief from the day's unrelenting heat. "That one," I said, pointing to Mildred. "Definitely. That one."




Yeah, she's a pain in the neck and certainly the "dud of the litter," but I wouldn't trade her for anything or anyone else.


God, please, she's all I have. Let Mildred live forever.

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