February 06, 2004

It’s probably best not to ask why, but I recently became engaged in a brief e-mail exchange regarding the film -- and I mean that -- “Mother May I Sleep With Danger,” first broadcast on Lifetime TV, television for women and gay men, in 1996.

My correspondent, L.M., sad to say, has never seen the film, but I have, probably three times. It’s really terrific in that so-bad-it’s-good Lifetime kind of way.

But, appropriately captivated by the title, L.M. rightfully has kept this oeuvre within her sights, though mistakenly operating under the assumption the film starred Melissa Gilbert.

Gilbert, as I’ve said before, is the world’s worst actress, which perhaps explains why she is currently able to serve as president of the Screen Actors Guild. And assigning her this title, the world’s worst actress, is no small deal given the competition (see next paragraph).

You see, “Mother May I Sleep With Danger” actually starred not Gilbert, but Tori Spelling, the spermiest member of the country’s vast (and growing) lucky sperm club, along with the almost unbearably handsome Ivan Sergei.

I would hate to ruin the film for anyone, particularly since it’s likely to be broadcast on Lifetime another six or eight times just this year, so if you’re worried about that, stop reading now, but the film’s climax is rather dramatic. If I remember correctly, it involves a confrontation at an isolated lake where Spelling, rowing hither and yon like an incapable millionairess, kills Sergei with an oar.

Or does she?

I suspect the producers were setting up a sequel, one that mercifully -- or mercilessly, depending on one’s feelings about Lifetime TV movies -- has yet to be made.

We can only hope.


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