July 11, 2002

Yeah, this is yesterday’s news, but it’s my site, so I’ll write what I want to.

The Rev. Sun Myung Moon, whose generosity spawned the careers of dozens of undeserving conservative pundits of all stripes, paleo to neo, apparently has reached the pinnacle of his spiritual development.

By now I’m sure most of you have seen or heard about Rev. Moon’s full-page ads, slated to appear in newspapers in each of the 50 states at a cost of some $720,000, in which he proclaims having learned that he is now -- by the verdict of virtually every religious leader who ever lived, as well as a handful of Communists -- “the Savior, Messiah, and King of Kings of all of humanity.”

In the ad, the Rev. Moon wins post-mortem praise and hosannahs from Jesus Christ, St. Peter, Martin Luther, Confucius, Buddha, Muhammad, Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, and Deng Xiao Ping. And that’s just a small sample!

Oh, and God chimes in with His best wishes as well.

It’s an impressive document, in its own weird way of course, but it’s clearly a fraud.

This quote from St. Paul gives it away:

“I, Paul, pledge to believe and attend the Lord of the Second Coming, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, as Messiah, Savior, and True Parent, with the fire I felt when I met the resurrected Jesus on the road to Damascus. I will live with the words, ‘You must save the saints’ in my heart.”

Please. This is obviously a forgery. The St. Paul I’ve come to know through his letters would have said something more like this:

“I, St. Paul, obviously the most favored child of God and most favored apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ (Forget what St. Peter says! Gee whiz, what a whiner, that guy! The keys to Rome, big deal! I could have a couple of brass keys made up too, you know!), pledge to believe in and attend to the Lord of the Second Coming -- and I acknowledge that this Lord of the Second Coming is none other than me (and couldn’t possibly be anyone else anyway), St. Paul, previously known as that pain in the ass, Saul of Tarsus, but now the epitome of sinless perfection (Hey, buddy! That stoning of St. Stephen thing was a long time ago! So just sit down and shut up!) -- as Messiah, Savior, and True Parent, with the same unbridled fanaticism I displayed after encountering Jesus himself after some idiot blinded me with a bright light and tripped me right there on the road to Damascus after I had stopped for some lox (Which really wasn’t very good . . . dry, too salty, overpriced, and such a small portion!). I will live with the words, ‘You must save the saints’ in my heart, but I can’t promise I’ll do anything about that because I have a more important agenda, namely, doing everything in my power to make sure not one single person on this planet now or in the future ever does or even thinks about doing, well, you know, any of that dirty stuff, ever again.”


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