Trends Reviews and Recaps

FIVE GASTRONOMIC DISASTERS

THAT EXPLAIN WHY I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE SOUTH

Fried Bologna: When I attended graduate school, in the South, fried bologna was a regular feature on the breakfast menus of the university’s cafeterias and other eateries, as well as in various local establishments. This as if fried bologna were a fair, adequate, and reasonable substitute for bacon or sausage. By the way, removing the red string encasing each slice of bologna is, as best I could ever determine, entirely optional.

Spud Hats: Spud Hats are scoops of mashed potatoes -- actually, scoops of something more akin to Potato Buds -- topped with . . . fried bologna. You see, you probably don’t know this, but, regardless of whether the red encasing string is removed, when one fries a slice of bologna, a bubble, or hump, appears in its center, and that bubble, or hump, is the perfect place under which to slide a scoop of potatoes. Surprised you never thought of it yourself, aren’t you?

Potatoes, Generally: In many southern restaurants and diners, the question, “And how would you like your potato?” is a greeting not unlike “How y’all doin’?” Order coffee, and the waitress will ask, “And how would you like your potato?” Because, you see, the potato -- fried, mashed, baked, or boiled, but most likely fried -- “comes with.” Yes, it even “comes with” your coffee. Order a hamburger and fries and the waitress will ask, “And how would you like your potato?” Don’t be silly and respond by asking a stupid qu

stion like, “Well, French fries come with the hamburger, right?”, because she’ll say, “Yes, honey, your hamburger comes with French fries but how would you like the potato that comes with?” And at this point, whatever you do, don’t say “fried,” because, child, you have not seen French fries until you have seen the French fries that “comes with” the French fries that “comes with” your hamburger.

The Turducken: A turducken is a turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken. You really have to see it to believe it. And as for seeing it prepared, well, let’s just say the proverbial making of sausage pales in comparison.

A Conceptual Rendering of the Turducken

For More Realtistic, Even Graphic, Images, Take a Gander at This

Pepsi-Cola: Pepsico Inc., the company that makes Pepsi-Cola, these days is headquartered in Purchase, N.Y. The Coca-Cola Co., the company that makes Coca-Cola, is based in Atlanta, and as far as I know, it always has been. Southern pride notwithstanding, if you order “a Coke” in the South -- outside the chains with their nationwide contractual arrangements -- you will most likely be served a Pepsi. And if you think, as I do, that Pepsi is but a pale and sorry imitation of Coke, you will be sorely disappointed.