June 19, 2006

Ten rules for riding rail-based public transit in Philadelphia:

1. Ignore any and all signs advising riders not to eat, drink, smoke, or play radios loudly. Those messages are directed at someone else, not you.

2. Do not sit on a seat, even if the car is completely empty. Instead, stand in the doorway and create as much blockage as possible. Traveling with a friend? Ask him to stand directly across from you in the same doorway; that way nobody can get off the train without your consent.

3. When the train stops at a station, lean out of the doorway and scan the platform repeatedly, right and left, left and right, until you are warned, "Doors are closing." Abide in the knowledge this announcement pertains not to you (See rule no. 1, above.), and continue surveying the platform, even if doing so results in a delay in the train's departure from said station.

4. Litter as you wish, particularly if you're weighed down by a couple of bottles and cans. And that hamburger you tired of halfway through? It will do just fine on the floor as well.

5. Cell phone use is not only expected, it is encouraged. High-volume vulgarities directed at your "no good" children (Your words, not mine.) are always appreciated by your fellow riders.

6. Sleep at will and at your leisure. Passing out is okay, too.

7. No token? No problem! You've got arms and legs: Jump that turnstile! You think that guy in the booth is going to get up for you?

8. If you're on budget, plan carefully. Unless you buy your weekly pass by the Sunday before the Monday when the card goes live, what's the point?

9. Stop at Market East, Suburban, or 30th Street Station as soon as possible and gather up as many bus-route schedules as you can. What, you thought we had a real subway system here?

10. Don't even think about staying out late on a Saturday night.

[Note: Cross-posted at The Rittenhouse Review.]


Post a Comment