December 04, 2002

By way of Molly Zero’s MollyBlog I was directed to the Table of Condiments That Periodically Go Bad, a resource that is sure to be a godsend to anyone who actually has food and related items in the house.

The Table of Condiments was produced by the Foundation for Neo-cognitive & Ontologoical Research and Development, or FNORD. I had never heard of this organization before today and I know little about it except that the logo kind of gives me the creeps and the group’s inconsistent use of the ampersand sort of wigs me out.

Among the valuable information I gleaned from the table: a jar of green olives will last nine months, taco sauce can be kept on hand for two years, and Cheez Whiz endures indefinitely, which, of course, we all knew already.

I demand, however, to see the research supporting FNORD’s contention that a jar of marmalade is only good for two months.

I plan to take Molly’s advice and print a copy of the table and display it prominently in my kitchen for future reference. But only after I have stocked at least three of the condiments listed in the table and in packaging other than the miniatures provided with a regular order of take out.


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